One of the most fun things about my own brand of Autism is that it comes with a significant amount of anxiety. Statistics cited by the National Autism Society - NAS (Anxiety in autistic people (autism.org.uk)) around 50% of people with Autism also have periods of anxiety. The NAS argue that this is likely due to four factors. These four factors I will list now. In list form:
1. Difficulty recognising the emotional state of self and others
2. Sensory difficulties
3. Difficulty with uncertainty
4. Performance anxiety
All of these, I think, speak for themselves. Firstly, if you cannot process either your own or other people’s emotional state then this will lead you to worry and feel anxious about it. Why am I feeling this way? Why don’t I feel? How should I feel? These are likely to be common questions that one might ask themselves. I know I certainly do. I send The Wife texts – because I cannot actually speak about things – asking her similar questions. I also tend to text her at the most inconvenient times like when she is driving or at work and then cannot reply anyway.
Research has shown that many in the neuro-diverse community experience sensory difficulties for example around their clothes (although are many others that cause people issues). This is likely the result of our skin being hypersensitive and hyper aware of touch sensation throughout our body. The slightest bump in fabric, the seam inside socks, the scratchiness of certain wools, the list goes on. People experience these difficulties very differently and sometimes in a similar fashion. Here’s a nice little chart with a tiny snippet of what this looks like for me The Boy.
Me aka OAM | The Boy |
Ok not wearing socks. Don’t really notice. | Socks, always. Must also put socks on first. Bare feet feels very uncomfortable for him which equals…anxiety.
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Can not wear a pyjama top in bed. I can feel every single crease and fold in it. I feel it almost pulling my skin off with every toss and turn. Worse if it’s hot weather and I sweat. I will get up in the middle of the night and shower if a single bead of sweat develops on me.
| Can’t sleep without one. Must be baggy and long sleeved. Otherwise, he will feel the mattress made of knives slowly scratching, stabbing and digging at his skin during the night.
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The belly button is a no-go area for anything. Pants on or above the belly button and it feels like a stabbing pain in my stomach. | Exactly the same as me. He struggles to touch his own belly button and will scream in actual pain if anything goes near it. The Wife says we’re the house of boys’ ass cracks as neither me nor The Boy can wear pants that cover our derrieres.
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Autistic individuals often thrive on routine because it provides predictability and reduces anxiety in their daily lives. Sudden changes or disruptions to established routines can be particularly distressing, highlighting the importance of consistency for our well-being. And well, performance anxiety is just my old friend Imposter Syndrome wearing a different hat.
Why Do We Need To Talk About Anxiety?
Because it affects so many of us and anxiety is crippling. My anxiety takes up so much space in my ‘Chaos Cupboard’. The Chaos Cupboard is similar to Sherlock Holmes’ Mind Palace (Use Sherlock Holmes' Mind Palace Technique to Improve Your Memory | Psychology Today). A place where he stores information that he has learnt. This information is catalogued and turned into a map. All Sherlock needs to do is metaphorically walk down to the Mind Palace and then retrieve the information necessary. Why do I mention Sherlock Holmes’ Mind Palace? Well, aren’t you just full of questions today?
Instead of looking at things I have learnt to help me solve Moriarty’s latest fiendish plot or plan, I use the Chaos Cupboard as a way of self-deprecation. A lot of the things I have said and done that have gone badly I store in my mind. I allow it to make me believe that I cannot do certain things, or that I am not deserving enough for the good things that happen to me. That I will fail at any task and so on and so on. My Chaos Cupboard is my own negative neurological log that tends to play on loop at varying degrees of volume.
Before my diagnosis I thought that I was depressed because I was a miserable sod who failed at everything. I would constantly tell myself that I was a failure. This failure fed the anxiety which fed the depression which fed the miserable sod. However, after reading around anxiety and autism as well as the myriad other mental health issues commonly felt by people on the spectrum, I am starting to believe that we should give ourselves a bit of a break.
I always believed that, academically, I under achieved. I have a BA (Hons) degree, but it wasn’t a 2:1 or a First. I only got onto a Master of Arts degree, because I talked my way into it. And when I achieved my master’s degree it was “just a pass”. I worked in a dull office job for nearly nine years when I should have been doing something else. What else, God Herself only knows. Then at the ripe age of 36 I became a Teacher of English. I didn’t get an Outstanding rating at the end of training and then I began to realise that I struggled with the social aspects of this very social job. Not to mention the repetitive administrative tasks that were required of me.
All of this would keep my Chaos Cupboard very full and kept me mentally busy as I beat myself about this. I was floundering.
Undoubtably, people experience negative situations and very real trauma. I consider myself very fortunate, and privileged, to be in a situation where the things I regret the most are academic underperformance and saying silly things to people. I am fortunate that my Chaos Cupboard is full of, what could be viewed as, insignificant issues. I am acutely aware that not everyone is so lucky. The statistics (as published here by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in, 2021) surrounding mental health and autism are terrifying. To anyone struggling, please reach out. At the end of this blog, I will link some websites and numbers that both myself and The Wife have found helpful.
If you reframe some of my “failures” then they do not look so bad. I did not know that I was on the spectrum, and so, I did not look for the support I needed to do better. I struggled in offices because, unless fully focused, I miss tiny details and things go wrong. I did well to get the qualifications I have given that things were going spectacularly wrong when I was training. I have not always received the support I have needed due to a failure to request it, a lack of self-understanding and some ignorance on the part of others. I will be providing a detailed blog in the near future that will hopefully highlight what our rights are in the workplace, how to identify our needs and how to request the support we are entitled to.
Thinking about the items in my Chaos Cupboard in a different way allows me to, temporarily, discard them. Yes, new items are added to it with the rapidity of a supermarket restocking shelves after Christmas. But I can allow myself some perspective on things and I do think overall my self-esteem is getting better and I am managing my anxiety more effectively.
I’m asking you all, neuro-diverse or not to think about your own Chaos Cupboard. All the little things that you beat yourself up about. The things you said to that person you fancied twelve years ago, the time you told the delivery driver to enjoy his food as well or farted on the phone to a nice sounding lady on the phone to SkyTV. These little things take up too much space mentally and, by cleaning out the Chaos Cupboard you can free yourself to worry about what’s really important. Like Global Warming or that mole that looked slightly different to how it did yesterday morning, it is probably nothing but still…
Mainly, clean the Chaos Cupboard and be kind to yourself. There are many things in life that make things difficult for neurodivergent people, you do not need to add to it.
Useful Contacts for Anyone Struggling
Autism Services Directory – Helps autistic people, their families and the professionals who work with them to find local and national services.
Suicide and Autism, a National Crisis – Article covering the statistics and strategies to combat suicide in autistic adults and children
NHS Webpage – Providing details of how people experiencing an urgent mental health crisis can access help
MIND – Information on what to do if you or someone you know is in a mental health crisis.
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