When The Boy was diagnosed with autism it was flagged in all aspects of his report that he ticked all the boxes for a ADHD as well. Both myself and OAM were surprised. We knew The Boy was autistic, I'd known since he was 2yrs old and OAM had recently received his autism diagnosis, we saw it coming. But, we didn't see the ADHD coming. I wanted to know where it came from and what this meant for us raising a now AuDHDer. I did what any mother would do and spent endless hours scrolling through social media, google and medical journals to learn all things about ADHD. What I wasn't expecting to learn was the ADHD had evidently come from me. I related to every single reel, story, meme and word in the amazing book 'Dirty Laundry' by Rich and Rox Pink. And on the Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale I achieved 6 out 6 for ADHD behaviours. 100%! The perpetually anxious little perfectionist I am was so proud. I received my official diagnosis on the 2nd April 2024 at the age of 41. And, so now I was endlessly scrolling to learn all things ADHD for me as well as my son. As I became more knowledgeable about how ADHD impacted me personally, I soon understood that noise played a huge part.
A Bit of Backstory (who am I kidding, I have ADHD, it's going to be a lot)
Sound sensitivities are common in the neurodiverse community. The Mini-ADHD Coach goes into detail about this (here) and it wasn't long until I realised I was a Sound Sensitive ADHDer . Until my ADHD was medicated I didn't realise how loud the world was for me and only a select few others. I thought everyone knew a split second before that the electricity was going to trip, or that the hot and cold taps have a different sound even when it's someone else running them and you're in a different room (the cold water has sharper sound, hot water is heavy and thick sounding. I said what I said. To me this makes perfect sense). I thought everyone could hear a constant buzzing sound that at times would get louder especially when around industrial electrical equipment. I wasn't until those marvellous ADHD meds quietened down the world a little for me that I realised most neurotypicals are out there living a life of quiet luxury.
Noise can impact me in all areas of my life.
Sleep
Trying to sleep, I end up trying to distract myself from the noise so much that I fixate on it. The buzz from the wires and pipes (so very loud when we have the central heating on). The traffic outside (yay for living right near a motorway. And why are buses running after my bedtime?). The Boy's bed every time he moves (he has a metal bunkbed and the noise from it makes my teeth cringe - totally a thing). The dog breathing too loud. OAM breathing too loud. OAM snoring. OAM going for his middle of the night pee (where'd he get a race horse from?) The neighbours going to the bathroom (the mum of the house is surprisingly heavy footed). The cat pondering about downstairs. The wind, the rain, the music from cars, footsteps outside, both sides of someone's telephone conversation even though there is literally a brick wall between us! All of it! To distract myself I do what ADHDers do best, I day-dream. But what does day-dreaming lead to...
Ruminating and Low Self-Esteem
Every interaction, situation or relationship that's made me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or anxious, that's what I'm going to focus on. And you bet I'll be telling myself that it's all my fault because deep down I am a terrible person. And if I need more justification for my practically non existent self-esteem, why not focus on what an utter failure at life I am. Laundry not done. Lazy. Not showered since when? Lazy and disgusting. Haven't got The Boys uniform or lunch ready. Lazy and a terrible mother. Work, 2 weeks overdue. Lazy. Haven't replied to those 8 e-mails. Lazy and rude. Not done any housework in god knows how long. Lazy, a terrible wife and a disgraceful mother. Overall, just a disgusting, lazy POS.
I guess fixating on the outside noise is much better than the fixating on the inside noise. Low self-esteem is common in people with ADHD (see here for proof) and whilst I am getting a lot better at ignoring my negative internal monologue (mainly though using tips and advice from my neurodiversity coach Tanya Bright) it's hard to shut up that which hasn't stopped banging on at me for 41yrs. And so my sound sensitivities can have a negative impact on my self-esteem.
Overstimulation and Anxiety - Being Out and About
It can be, a restaurant, the school gates or the supermarket, if there are people, there is noise and if there is a lot of people, there is a lot of noise. Too much noise. Throw into the mix, a bored 9yr old AuDHDer and a bored 41yr old OAM and I am on high alert. I eventually begin to feel claustrophobic, confused and on edge. I don't know where, to what or to whom I need to direct my focus and so I try to focus on it all. Surprise, I can't and because I've been trying to, I now can't focus at all.
Initiate: Flight, Fight, Freeze or Fawn response and choose your fate!
I need to escape the situation as quickly as possible (Initiate: The Flight). So I'll rush, which leads to me forgetting things or buying things I don't know I don't need because I am too rushed to check my shopping list.
I'll get frustrated and snappy if others aren't rushing at the same pace as me or are purposefully getting in my way by having the audacity to be in a completely public place at the same time as me (Initiate: The Fight). I'll snap with an astounding level of uncalled for bitchiness at my own child for, being a child or a member of staff at a supermarket checkout because they're not working at a superhuman speed. (I often snap at OAM as well but this is more than likely, most often, actually always called for so, that doesn't count). The second after my attitude comes out, I am deeply ashamed. I know it's uncalled for and I hate myself for not being able to control it escaping like a fart at a funeral. I'm not excusing it by any means but want others to know, it really is impulsive. I take measures to reduce the likelihood of this happening (online shopping, shopping at quiet times, avoiding crowded noisy areas and wearing earplugs) but sometimes it's inescapable. Trust me, it bothers me more than it does you (I hope. If not, then I am so sorry).
Or we have the more attractive less aggressive option number C. Initiate: The Freeze. If you've ever been in my company and I appear utterly disinterested in what you're saying, this is why. If I am disinterested in what you're saying, I usually won't show it. I'll mask and pretend to be interested. But now my brain has had enough. The traffic outside was too loud, I pissed my brain off and she has left the building. Inside I am in a state of panic. I look gormless, inattentive, distracted and some others have said "stoned". I am desperately trying to squeeze out some cognitive energy from somewhere, anywhere so that some concentration can re-enter the room. Alas, it doesn't work very often.
Oh dear, now all that's failed we must trust in our last resort. Initiate: The Fawn. Basically, smile, nod, agree and appease. I am now saying yes to anything that's asked of me even if the requests are unreasonable but, I am calm and smiling. It will catch up with me but for now, this will do.
Overstimulation at Home
My Sound sensitivities do not take a break, even at home I get overstimulated. We live in an old house. On a main street. Next to a motorway. A bus stop 2 minutes walk away and 2 primary schools within a 5 minute walk. The area is noisy.
Inside the house we have an OAM who is utterly oblivious to the amount of noise he generates. He sings random songs that he makes up on the spot narrating whatever it is he's doing at that time. Doesn't matter if it's early morning or I'm in bed sick...he's gonna be singing. He stomps, literally the ground moves and as I am writing this the door starting shaking as OAM made his way upstairs. When he's watching something that makes him laugh (it's Brooklyn 99) his laugh is so loud and unexpected, I jump like he's just come at me with a knife. To compliment the main dish I have either, him playing guitar, listening to audible, screaming profanities at the x-box or slamming doors because he has yet to learn how door handles work.
We also have The Dog who barks at the sound of absolutely anything unless he can see it. Then there's The Cat who will scratch at the door of whatever room we're in if she's not been fed for 15 minutes. If that doesn't work she'll resort to just winding The Dog up so she has an excuse to scream louder and The Dog can bark in confusion.
And then, we have The Boy. Now I would not change a single hair on his head but, good lord he is noisy. If he is awake there is sound coming from him. Be it, random noises and clicking as he is stimming or a constant flow of words, there must always be noise. He's a fan of having the TV loud and the volume changes when he switches between YouTube channels are ridiculous. He occasionally plays Fortnite online with 2 friends. He has headphones in and it's just a heavy fog of high pitched excited and frustrated screaming. And, just like his father, The Boy has also skipped the 'Door Handles Have an Actual Use' lesson.
To cope, I became an isolative snappy little trash panda. I spent the majority of my time in the bedroom. It is quieter and the only things happening are the things I make happen. I'd occasionally emerge to embark on an impulsive and costly dopamine chasing adventure, to forage for food or to open the door to the heroic delivery drivers with parcels of food I don't have to cook and some random items I'd have zero recollection of ordering. I'm pretty certain that Jeff Bezos ensures there's extra staff working at my local Amazon depo the day before my payday. Knowing that as soon as the clock strikes midnight, it's go time. The yellow 'Buy Now' button pressed, the troops rally together, the boxes packed and deployed to deliver my crucial dopamine hit and an 8 ton serving of guilt over the money that I have irresponsibly spent.
And of course my guilt doesn't stop there. When I was 34yrs old I suffered a brain haemorrhage and one of the things it took from me was a years worth of memories. My son's first: smile, steps, word, birthday party, gone. I now feel that I must absorb and cherish every single moment with him, take all the videos and photos because in the back of mind is a fear that this may just all be taken from me again. And I can't do that because I live in a house that's a bit noisy? Ridiculous.
So, What Helps?
I've only been figuring out my ADHD for a few months and I am not at the finish line yet but things have improved with some adjustments.
Medication - 1hr after taking my first dose of Elvanse I felt the effects. I kept checking my phone charger was working because that buzzing had gone. I lost count of how many times I looked out the window because I was convinced traffic had just stopped. This isn't the same for everyone however, many ADHDers can't take stimulants or choose not to and after approximately 12hrs they wear off anyway.
1:1 Coaching - I'm dubious when someone advertises with the words "holistic" and/or "coach". I've trained and worked as a CBT therapist and seen advertisements for "therapy" from people who've done a weekend workshop or an online mini-course. There was something about that irked my values. I kept seeing videos from Tanya Bright on Facebook and often her name would be mentioned in groups for ADHDers looking for support. I looked into her services and had a 'I'm actually ok with this'. Experience not only in autism and ADHD but in AuDHD. Training to companies so they can better support their ND staff and a strong sense of her wanting to help. We booked in for a free consultation and the fact that OAM said he could open up and work with Tanya it was a 'take my money' moment. I may have had this view that with each session I'd be told, "here's this, this will fix you in a few days" but that was quickly quashed. For me the 1:1 coaching is helping me figure out, me. What my stressors are, what my goals are and what works for me. Same for OAM and The Boy. Almost like neurodiversity is a spectrum on which everyone experiences, feels and reacts differently. Who knew? Is it worth the expense? So far for us, yes. If you're looking into 1:1 coaching I definitely recommend Tanya. I think she should be credited for: A) proving me wrong, B) helping us discover ourselves and most importantly, C) providing tools that help The Boy who is currently crashing headfirst into his autism and ADHD battles.
My Loop earplugs - recommended by Tanya and millions of others, I can see why. I'm going to do another post about these in a few days (maybe weeks who knows) and share why they're amazing. I was going to that here but I've realised as my ADHD medication has worn off that I've been completely hyper-fixated and this blog is already 1500 more words than I intended. So if you've got this far, fair play and thank you!
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