When I was given my diagnosis I was told that I lacked something called ‘Theory of Mind’. It was explained as:
Problems understanding what other people think and feel.
This rang a bell with me. I think one of the main reasons I like reading history and biographies of famous people is because I want to know what made these people do the things that they did. I like fiction because a skilled author can illuminate the mindset of a character and show me the internal world of other people. Hiliary Mantel was excellent at creating inner worlds for her characters, especially in the 'Wolf Hall' series. Because I have problems with this aspect of Theory of Mind, reading helps me understand people in a way that I would find hard when out in the wild.
What is this Theory of Mind?
Is it more than the one sentence description given above. Please note, I am not going to delve into the academic history of this theory as I tried to read it and then got distracted but, the theory was developed by Baron-Cohen in 1985 and further developed in 1995.
How Does it Impact Neurodiverse Individuals?
Autistic individuals often face challenges with the ability to understand and infer the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of others. This can lead to misunderstandings in social interactions, as they may not easily grasp what others know, believe, or intend. As a result, they might struggle with empathy, predicting others' behaviour, and effectively communicating within social contexts, making it harder to build and maintain relationships.
The difficulties experienced by people on the spectrum in relation to Theory of Mind can be broken down into four sections and a related fifth. These are difficulties with:
Explaining own behaviours
Understanding other people’s emotions
Understanding the perspective of other people
Inferring the intentions of other people
And finally, ‘The Double Empathy Problem’.
Firstly, having difficulty explaining one’s own behaviours is distinct from understanding one’s own emotions. This is not understanding why you need to stim or what your own stimming behaviours are. It is also, why did you say that thing or what made you do that? Sometimes, I genuinely do not know why I have failed to do something that has been asked of me. This can be misread as me not listening to people, not caring or not paying attention. However, I do listen and I do want to implement whatever it is I have been asked. But, for some reason, I just do not. This is, obviously, not an excuse but it is an explanation. Armed with this little factoid of self-knowledge I can work to improve using strategies. For me, if something is written down and the why is explained then I will remember it. If I am just told to do something without a rationale behind it then I am unlikely to remember it. I am logical to an illogical extent. If something is written down for me then it is tangible, meaning I am less likely to forget.
When The Boy is saying he is anxious, physically ill, or he is crying, I have been known to stare at him like a rabbit in a library. Lost and clueless as to what to do. I can see that someone is “having an emotion” but I do not know why or what I should do about it. This was especially evident when I worked in education. Teenagers are prone to dramatic displays of emotion. Sometimes it is hormonal, sometimes based on the floating friendships people develop at that age and sometimes because they have a healthy 'normal' level of emotional intelligence. Either way, when presented with emotions, I was unsure of what to do. I would ask one of their friends to help them. This can be seen as a lack of empathy in an autistic person. It isn’t. Empathy is being able to put yourself in the place of someone who is having a bad time. I know how a person who is grieving feels because I have lost people. I know what it feels to be broken hearted (thank you very much university girlfriend). With feelings that I can recognise then, yes, I am empathetic. It is the feelings that I do not recognise that I am unsure how to deal with. Basically, if it doesn't upset me then it shouldn't upset you.
Imagining what a person is thinking and what motivates them is how we understand the perspectives of other people. I also have huge difficulties with this. A good example of this is in a working environment. You have a boss who is complaining that you have not done a certain task or a colleague who wants something done in a certain way. To my, sometimes logical, mind I think: why are you complaining? The task will be done before the loose deadline you gave me or the way you want this task done doesn’t make sense, it is better to do it this way. For the boss, they are thinking about the whole department or the bigger picture. They see you as a cog in a machine. You however, are focused on your part of the process and do not see the chain reaction. When working in a corporate setting, it was my job to create and send invoices. This could not be done until the 'Renewal' was completed. Which could not be done until the 'Underwriting' had been completed. This could not be done until 'Claims' have been processed anything outstanding. If one element of that fails then the client, who is the one paying the bills, will receive their insurance late and you may lose that customer which reflects badly on the manager. Everything is connected but it is often difficult to see that. I was there to create and send invoices and so that's all I focused on.
Understanding where someone else is coming from can also affect a person’s relationships. If you cannot see why your partner is mad at you, upset or whatever other emotion people get, then you will have a breakdown in communicating and this can lead to… well, a breakup. The only thing to do in this instance is to say, “I am having difficulty seeing this from your point of view, please can you tell me what you are upset about”. It's only been recently that I've starting asking The Wife things like "why are they crying?" and openly admitting "I don't know what to do so, give me some pointers". It helps to certain extent, I'll say the 'right' things to The Boy when he is upset but he's far too savvy and recognises that my facial expressions often do not reflect the words I'm speaking and he will call me out for being ingenuine.
Finally, inferring the intentions of other people is one I find tough. Communication is complex. Humans communicate using body language, tone of voice and subtle hints. We do not just say: ‘I think you are being disrespectful; please can you alter your behaviours’ instead they use subtleties. I have written elsewhere about my total lack of knowledge when it comes to recognising people flirting with me. I just couldn’t see it. When people are talking at work they don’t just say what they mean so I am liable to take the wrong meaning behind what they say. This means that I make a bigger mistake or miss out on an opportunity at work. I do not react when people are being aggressive because I don’t recognise the body language and it doesn’t make logical sense to me to be aggressive in the situation. All of these lead to misunderstandings and, because the self-talk of an autistic person is generally negative you leave thinking everyone dislikes you. If you are speaking to an autistic person be as clear as you can when giving instructions or when you want them to do something. A lot of autistic people are very literal, save the metaphors for writing and just tell them what you want.
Finally, The Double-Empathy Problem relates to Theory of Mind in that both the autistic person and the neurotypical person cannot see the world from each other’s perspectives. The neurotypical person cannot understand why you are not understanding or doing something when it makes perfect sense to them. Afterall, everyone else in the team gets it, why can't you? They have explained it and, hell, they have even modelled how the task should be done but it just isn’t sinking in. That must mean you are not listening, are not interested and don't care which leads to the neurotypical person to feeling frustrated and invisible. On the other side, the autistic person cannot understand why their manager is mad at them or why they accuse them of not listening. They are listening. They're trying their best to understand. Both viewpoints are equally valid, the issue can be solved with a straightforward conversation. If both people can feel heard then it stops matters spiralling out of control like a sky diver with a faulty parachute. I have been on the end of more than one manager who has had this issue with me and, while I am really far from faultless, a conversation which was structured and allowed both people to say what the issue was may have solved everything. Sadly, these conversations are difficult for everyone and aren’t always undertaken.
To Summarise:
Difficulties with Theory of Mind can impact a neurodiverse individual in a variety of ways. It can cause fundamental breakdowns in communication. This can have a clear adverse impact on working and romantic relationships. It is not the case that all autistic people have these difficulties though, it is common. It can be overcome by clear communication where both sides clearly express their thoughts and feelings as well as their needs. Identifying that you need support in this area of life is a good way to start.
Tell Us Your Thoughts
Do you have difficulties with Theory of Mind or do you know someone who does? What are your experiences of communicating with someone, or as someone, on the spectrum? Let me know in the comments or the Contact Us section.
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